In bed and not sleepy. Just thinking..about past, present and future. The important people that I have lost. The good and bad they did to me, the good and bad I did to them. Whether it was really how I think about it, or my judgments were wrong.
The good times that hurt now, because they happen no more. The bad times that you regret, yet they taught you a lesson in life. Your past makes you happy because it was good. Some losses are for the good, some for the bad. Some of them were too good to be lost, an losing them gives birth to self-doubt. Your inability to pursue it further in life. You start contemplating about the righteousness of the decisions you took then. ‘Things were good, could they have been better if continued or only worsened?’
Past and future occupy you so much that you spoil the present. You ask yourself questions for which you have no answers. Everyday you take a pledge to not ponder over it again. But the mind does not function alone, heart accompanies it always.
You sit alone, and you like it. You look for solitude and alienate yourself from those around. At times it helps, at times it doesn’t. In my case, it usually does. That’s specially when people around don’t know about your problem. They judge you on the basis of your involvement in it instead of realizing the vulnerability of the time it occurred to you. As a result, a distance is created, but its temporary, considering you cannot be in the same mental frame for long. And should not be as well, unless it’s a happy state. 🙂 People who don’t judge you are the people you share it with, coz you know you can. Though not as intensely as you share it with yourself. They do guide you and correct you, yet understand you selflessly, they are friends ! They usually suggest what is right, coz they have the privilege of looking at the issue practically and not only emotionally. You are convinced and you agree. You take a decision and feel better about it. But that’s temporary. As they say, when we sleep, the mind is relaxed, but the heart is not. When the mind is sleeping, heart alone does the thinking, and looses rationality completely. You want space, not just from others, but also from your own thoughts, the hollowness. You try to fill the vacuum. People who create it are not available, but their memories are.
You compare the past with future. You hope that it shall be better yet doubt the same. You think that the decisions you take now could prove you wrong. Then to make yourself feel lighter, you try to convince yourself that it indeed shall be better, coz that’s what you deserve. But the truth is, you are stuck to the past until future happens..and present is lost in between. In the world of emotions, present is more hypothetical than future. Future is achievable but we do not realize it, in this process we forget to achieve the present.
Infact, the present is what is most important. It can redeem you of your past and help the future to be brighter and happier. I take a sigh, believe in the present, smile to myself and close my eyes !